As many of our clients already know, one of the perks of working at Simpleview is the ability to bring your pet(s) to work. Thanks to this generous privilege, countless staff and visitors are greeted every day by the adorable pups scattered between our collaborative workspaces.
Yet what many of our clients don’t know, sadly, is that this work-culture phenomenon was far from sufficient for more than half of the Simpleview staff. Reserved primarily for man's best friend—the driveling, unsophisticated pet of choice in the corporate jungle—this company perk failed to embrace the more popular member of Simpleview families: Felis silvestris catus.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: The wisest and most sophisticated members of the animal kingdom (not to mention the de facto rulers of the Internet) were actually omitted from the most cherished Simpleview perk.
Thankfully, after little thought and consideration, Simpleview leadership made the objectively virtuous decision to expand the policy in October and allow cats on-site at the office. Truly, the dog days at Simpleview were over.
Or so we thought...
Trouble in Purr-adise
“When Simpleview staff first petitioned for the pet policy to include cats, I thought, ‘Wow. This is a terrible idea,’” Ryan George, CEO at Simpleview, recalled. “But now, six months later, I can confidently say that—yes, this was in fact a tremendous disaster for Simpleview. I wouldn’t wish this policy on my fiercest competitor.”
To better understand how we arrived at this unfortunate situation, it's best to introduce its players. Without further ado, enter the minds of the infamous cats of Simpleview!
Meet the Meow-sterminds
Quasi's paw-rigin story begins in a ravine next to a frozen custard stand in southern New Mexico. His mother was carried off on the tusk of a javeline, thus leaving him alone in this crazy world until an equally crazy cat lady came to his rescue. Fast forward to today, and you'll find Quasi quite passionately despises two things: custard and javelinas.
A Simpleview office regular, Quasi frequently arrives at work decked out with big boar hunting camouflage fatigues, a hunting bow, and plenty of tuna fish for energy. Thanks to Quasi's dark backstory, the Simpleview staff lives every day in the office as if they are competing in the 2018 Hunger Games.
Quasi is the cat overlord of Josette Arvizu.
Mercutio, Lady & Pizza
They say good things come in threes, but I don't know who "they" are, and I'm guessing that statement wasn't in reference to this terrible trio of domestic, short-haired tabbies.
Like many of the staff here at Simpleview, Mercutio is a social creature that prefers extroverted activities such as talking, collaborating, being held, and chewing on your sandals (not cool, Mercutio). Always desperate for attention, Mercutio consistently walks under everyone's legs trying to get picked up and be carried around. Not surprisingly, the number of fall-based injuries has sharply increased since he began visiting the office.
When Mercutio isn't stalking the halls for you like a crazy ex, you will sometimes see his counterpart, Lady, glaring at you from within your own personal space. Not a fan of boundaries, Lady prefers sitting in your cube while growling, eating plastic, and standing out as an exceptional mouth-breather, all while maintaining constant eye contact. Whoever coined "luck be a lady" clearly never had to file expense reports next to this gem.
Lastly, there is Pizza. Don't let her delicious name confuse you, the only thing Pizza has in common with the delectable pie is that she is a hot mess. Like most millennials, you'll never actually see this scaredy cat due to her crippling anxiety, but that doesn't mean you won't notice her presence. Thanks to her constant, inexplicably soggy nature, you can typically track her whereabouts around the office via the trail of "wet" and missing food.
Mercutio, Lady & Pizza form the tyranical trifecta responsible for Amir Muntasser.
And then there is Mateo. Forged in the heart of a dying star, Mateo is a celestial being who transcends both time and space. Many centuries ago he was worshipped by ancient Egyptians who confused him for the cat goddess, Bastet. Yet despite receiving complete and utter adoration from the people, he quickly grew bored and decided to travel across time to ruin the life of one particularly unlucky human being: me.
What started as a fond friendship quickly turned into a primal battle for supremacy, and shortly after I brought that unappreciative jerk to Simpleview, Mateo quickly replaced me as the Digital Marketing Strategist and demoted me to a glorified milkman. Everyone in the office at Simpleview loves him, but frankly he's just there to take away everything I've ever held dear...
But I digress. Mateo is a handsome and clever Siamese mix, and talks back at you when you yell the word "No." So, I guess it's fine.
Mateo is the egotistical emperor of Nate Casimiro.
Hooked on a Feline
There you have it, folks. On behalf of everyone at Simpleview, I urge you to never bring your cat to work, ever, as it is probably the worst decision you will ever make.
Lastly, if you are feeling like this story was probably mostly fake in honor of April Fools' Day, well, you are right. That being said, these are real cats owned by real Simpleview employees, many of which are accurately depicted outside of work. Who knew?